The Art of Receiving Kindness
Pylades: I’ll take care of you.
Orestes: It's rotten work.
Pylades: Not to me. Not if it's you.
--- Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides, by Anne Carson
Throughout time, kindness has been a magnificent vessel through which we deliver human connection. It is in the caress of the hand, enclosed in the look, folded in the sincerity of expression of love and care. It is an action, a value, a belief that is expected of us to grace onto others so that we may be good humans.
With time, however, it has become a worn-out, one-way street. The color slowly leaching out of it, the more its occupants valiantly give away their time and energy and resolutely refuse a refill. Unfortunately, this well-intentioned mechanism of being a kind person, is often the act of people pleasing in sheep’s clothing. We artfully disregard our own needs, and over time, become resentful towards the people around us for not seeing our pain when we had initiated the deception.
In its definition, kindness is a two-way street, on which we say and do things for the long-term benefits of others. Thus, leaving ourselves high and dry in the effort to be “kind,” becomes eventually unkind to those that we help. Because we burn out, get emotionally exhausted, or give up when we are not appreciated for long stretches of time.
At the heart of it, to be a truly kind person, we must give ourselves the permission to receive kindness, love, and affection. Which begs the question, why do we experience such difficulty in receiving kindness ourselves?
This refusal to accept kindness for ourselves perhaps comes from the perception of such an act making one weak, lazy, selfish, or perhaps an acquired belief that they are not deserving of it.
Most individuals do not have the fortune of growing up in environments where kindness is modelled to them when they make a mistake. Children are berated, punished, and left with either or both emotional and physical scars. That as adults they come to look to as marks of their worth- or the lack thereof.
Functionally, in the way that our brains are wired to keep ourselves safe through experience, it makes perfect sense why these adults would then have difficulty in letting love in. Their minds have received the messaging that vulnerability and failure results in pain. Thus, doing what must be done to protect themselves against the pain becomes crucial. Whether that means this pain-shield is kept up through people-pleasing, or actively pushing kindness away by being cold or aloof- these individuals develop functional ways to keep themselves “safe.”
This functionality becomes dysfunctionality in building meaningful human connection, and sustaining contentment. Because, the magic of our existence lies in genuine human connection, can only come from giving love and letting love in. So how do we let love in?
It is devastating to not have been given the opportunity to receive kindness as a child. And while time can never be reversed, it is very much possible to learn how to do so and practice kindness in its full form.
What are the negative beliefs you hold about kindness?
The idea of entertaining kindness or compassion towards oneself can be a foreign (or silly) concept to many. Addressing the negative beliefs that one holds about receiving kindness is typically a crucial first step in giving oneself permission to practice self-compassion.
One of the most common perceptions is that being kind to yourself will make you lazy. Because kindness is not simply pleasing yourself, you would be practicing kindness by encouraging yourself to do what needs to get done. You could perhaps make yourself work harder in the short run by being your harshest critic, but that typically results in burnout in the long run.
Another belief is that one does not deserve kindness. This is usually rooted in past learning. A good challenge to this can be to ask oneself what someone else might need to do to be undeserving of kindness. Most times, people fail to apply the same rules they have for others, for themselves. In challenging beliefs countering self-compassion, it can be helpful to have an outsider perspective through therapy.
How do we change these beliefs?
While understanding these beliefs can be very helpful, it is also essential to keep in mind that the brain learns through experience. So, to change these beliefs, you can do small things to help your brain absorb the positive effect of kindness, on your behavior and long-term health. Below are a few options:
Practicing receiving compliments
Before you disagree with something positive someone is saying of you- hit the pause button, reflect on their words, and thank them. You can absorb their words later for it to have a stronger impact. This action usually feeds into a positive cycle, in which the person who gives you the compliment feels more motivated to give you more.
Giving compliments
Delivering specific positive praise to yourself and others, that include the observed behavior and why you thought it was positive (eg: “I really like the way you structured the presentation; it was super clear!”) can also be a good strategy to practice the art.
“What might a kind person say to me?”
Asking yourself the above question can shift the focus away from the critic in your mind. It can be helpful to have an image of a person who you know to be kind in your mind when you do this, whether this is a friend or even a fictional character (I sometimes have an Olaf from Frozen in my head who does the job beautifully).
Choosing who to accept feedback from
Not everybody will have the best intentions for us; they may deliver judgements based on what is best for them. Kind people amongst family and friends who know what you want from life are those that are worth listening to, even if their feedback might not be something we want to hear. The rule here is that they care about your long-term wellbeing.
The willingness to ask for love
At the end of it all, receiving kindness is an art form as it inspires more kindness from yourself and those around you. The same way a beautiful painting invokes poetry. And then the poetry invokes perhaps another art piece, and so on. This art form makes us feel loved and as humans, we are at our best when we believe we are loved. And to be loved, we must be willing to ask for help, reassurance, and learn to inconvenience those that we love. Know that being a burden is infinitely more human and kinder, than it is to never accept help. For it will not be a burden nor “rotten work”, to those that truly matter.
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